Austin, and a mystery

I could blog all about how "aus"-some the Austin Film Festival has been, and how delightful our screening at the Paramount was this evening. However, I'm fixated on the drawer.

After the screening (and a Texas-style group gorge at a local steakhouse) we headed back to the Driskill Hotel. It's one of those old-timey, grand, genteel, tack-piano establishments; at this moment, I'm curled up on a wrought-iron bed, watching elderly fruit expire on Friday's "welcome plate." Anyway, after dinner, Reitman asked me to come up to his room to get a script (contrary to popular belief, we don't share a single room with bunk beds.) I followed him through the vaguely creepy corridors of Ye Olde Lodgin' Place, until we came to the Directorial Suite. And then, Reitman said, "Wanna see something weird?"

I did.



The previous lodger had left one (1) pair of folded boxer shorts and four (4) Trojan Magnum condoms in the uppermost nightstand drawer. We tried to ascertain exactly what had-- or hadn't-- gone down in the room. Here's what we got:

1.) The boxers were brand new. Never worn. Mint, in geek parlance. I figured this out by smelling them. They had that distinct "store smell" and never-laundered crispitude.

2.) The boxers, size XL, were from Banana Republic. These were clearly "special boxers," perhaps hand-selected at the mall for this very occasion. They obviously weren't all alone in that drawer by accident. They were the Chosen Undies.

3.) The Magnums were also very carefully placed (probably the most tragic aspect of the tableau.) They were folded in a deliberate, accordion-style fashion. In fact, after I unfurled the strip of condoms, I had trouble getting them back exactly as they were. It was fastidious work. Work that was never disturbed.

4.) The Suspect-- I mean Lodger-- did not expect to get laid more than four (4) times. However, he was grandioise enough to include more than two (2) condoms. This display of foolhardy optimism and/or bonono-like stamina implies youth.

Therefore, my conclusion:

The Lodger is a UT Austin student with limited sexual experience. He procured a room at the Driskill in the hopes of surprising/seducing his new girlfriend, but he's self-conscious about his somewhat heavyset body. The (hypothetical) postcoital nude trek from bed to bathroom proved daunting, so he stashed a precautionary pair of boxers in the nightstand. That way, he could slide into them immediately after sex and stride to the john in style, modesty intact. Now, the purpose of the condoms is obvious. Unfortunately, none were used. The sex never went down

This is how I unwind, people.